"Keep moving, keep moving, one foot in front of the other, keep moving..." That was the commanding voice in my head that repeated itself as I marched like a soldier down the sidewalks of my neighbourhood and decided that THIS IS IT I have to make this happen. I have to lose weight. Not for them. Not for that guy. Not for those girls. For ME. I deserve this. I need to feel better and I deserve to see the change. I need to put my heart and soul into this and just draw deep inside where I know the real me still exists. This one is just for ME. Just this once it's just for me.
The History:
I’ve come to realize in this past year after gaining 41lbs that I am a fat girl, a true fat girl not a figment of some one's deranged perception of a fat girl but a real, in your face Chubalub. Now I know that 41lbs is nothing compared to say 100lbs and not everyone would agree that I'm a fat girl just by looking at me but I know what I was and how far I have fallen and this is a healing process for me.
For 3 years prior I was controlled and emotionally abused by my ex-boyfriend - an extreme fitness buff/body builder turned anorexic. I am 5'.5" and then weighed 115lb. I was a dancer and very fit but I was told everyday that I was ugly and fat. I lived at the gym and ate and drank what HE demanded and I did it to be accepted - plain and simple. He daily dictated via phone or email EVERYTHING...what and how much I ate (1 large meal a day , 2 snacks) and drank (water with lemon and lime only - measurements of lemon and lime was also dictated), and my workout routine to the last detail. I lived in constant fear of being hungry in his presence because I wouldn't be allowed to eat and so I simply wouldn't eat. Every calorie was accounted for and since I didn't have a cell phone I walked around with a scrap piece of paper in my purse with a running tab of every single calorie that passed between my lips or his list of what he said I could have for the day with check marks to prove it and I had to show it to him so he could account for my "progress". Heaven forbid if I happened to skip a workout or if I "didn't do it right", he would flip out, screaming at me about how dumb and difficult can I be not to get it right. So, I would depressingly push myself harder, often times spending another hour working-out when I came home from the gym just so I can say that I did it right- just to be told that I was finally good enough and beautiful. But it never came. At the day's end progress report I would pour over my notes of excatly I did and ate and drank that day just to hear that I screwed it up somehow and that I'm lying because I must have done something that I shouldn't have becuase I don't look any better. Every time we saw each other, he would greet me with his hands out to prevent me from coming closer and begin to, what he called the "check out", which meant scrutinizing me from head to toe. If my eyebrow, yes my eyebrow was not tweezed the way HE liked it I would get a tongue lashing. He once told me after a "check out" session that the only acceptable part of me are my lips. I was so disgusting to him that he would fake vomit if I ever kissed him. Thanks to God, and my family and friends I finally ended the relationship (a whole other story how that came about).
I was emotionally, physically and mentally a wreck. I was on anti-depressants and tranquilizers and extremely surprised that I was not skin and bones. When I finally learned to exhale from the torment, I ballooned up to 156lb. I became and stayed, in many ways, what I was labelled for so many years...fat. I became a true fat girl because I needed to breathe and eat and rest as much as I wanted to and finally be OKAY with it. What I needed so desperately was for someone to tell me that I was worthy, and beautiful...fat and all. I needed to heal and if that meant stuffing myself silly and loving it, then so be it. But now I am not happy with who I have become. I went the extreme, swung to the other side of the pendulum and I need help.
The Conditions:
I was also recently diagnosed with IBS for which I'm on a gluten-free, low dairy diet. I also was diagnosed with Multi-nodular Goiter. I have seven lumps, varying in size in my neck that plays games with my metabolic levels leaving me terribly exhausted and miserable all the time; so that doesn't help my situation. I start medication tomorrow so we will see how it goes.
The Support
I have met my soul mate, a wonderful extraordinary man who recently became my fiance and thanks to his unconditional love for me and my fat, his constant words of encouragement, affection and praise, I am slowly realizing now that my soul, as holey as it is right now, possesses every ability to get where I want to go and I have no reason to wait to live and finally be comfortable with me.
The Goal:
I have a goal to drop 20lbs by 31st of August, just in time for my Bridal shower that my Aunt is throwing me. I will journal my ups and downs, my accomplishments and my failures, my fears and self-discoveries, my weight loss tips and recipes. SO....the weight loss journey begins one foot in front of the other.
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