Day 1 - Dear Blog,

I started meds today. I am not sure how I am supposed to feel but I feel hopeful. Perhaps I will begin to gain some energy. I REALLY need this.

I worked last night and decided to just drink water and herbal tea during my entire shift. I won't lie, it was hard but I don't want to be afraid if I don't eat, which is what I noticed happening within the past few months. I had gone with limited food before during those crazy years but now I find myself afraid to not have or not eat food. I literally panic if I at least don't have food with me in my bag. I obsess with food- I need it, I crave it, I think about it all the time. If I don't have food I panic until I can find away to obtain it. I  know I need professional counselling but since I can't afford it I am doing this blogging at therapy.

There is usually some food hanging around at work, thank goodness, and I mentioned to my co-worker the other night that there are a few sandwiches in the fridge if she is hungry and she said something that I just can't seem to shake. Quite casually, without even looking up from her desk she said, "Oh thanks, I had a meal today already and I just might decide to eat again." Now, this is VERY foreign to me right now. "...may decide to eat again today"??? Are you kidding me? I NEED to eat, it's not an option! The old Chantal would have totally understood what she meant by that "anorexic" sounding statement but most certainly not now. I remember the days when I considered a high fiber granola bar OR a banana and small cup of yogurt a full meal but now I use those things as pacifying snacks.

I chuckled off her statement as if it was as natural to me as breathing but inside my heart was racing and I was beginning to panic at the thought of not eating. At the same time I suddenly felt slightly envious of her flat stomach, lean legs and firm back. I needed to stay in the game I told myself as I picked up my pink water bottle and steadily sipped like a sulking toddler.