Magnificant Obsession

Obsessed: 
Preoccupy or fill the mind of someone or something continually, intrusively and to a troubling extent.

Food is all around me. I smell it, I hear it, I see it as its passes my neighbours lips. Its like an obsession, I  can't get away from it. My mind constantly plagues me about food. Do I have enough? What should I eat? What about later? What's for dinner? Tomorrow's breakfast? It takes me back to the days when I didn't care if I ate or not. I would go for hours and hours on very little and even nothing at all. Sometimes I would reach a euphoric zen-like peace of not even wanting food at all. It would scare me at times yet it felt good. I didn't care or obsess about food and eating like I do now, look how far I have fallen! I say fallen because fear is never an accomplishment. I was ruined.
A year ago I called this obsession, "foodie"..but now I realize that I'm not just a foodie. Sure I love food and I have opened my pallet to various flavours and food cultures over the years but I am more that...I'm obsessed. A true foodie, I think is one who appreciates food in all its glory but does not let it intrude on everyday living and most certainly does not result in fear if not consumed.

Please Do Not Feed the Fears

Dear Blog,

Today is my day off and day 2 of this challenge. I actually have some more energy which is very surprising to me. Are the meds working already? The Pharmacist said it will take a month to see results so perhaps the energy is mind over matter...who knows.

I needed to get out of the house so I decided to go downtown, find a coffee shop (not Starbucks) and do some blog therapy. After much effort trekking through the biting wind on Bloor Street to find a place that had a free table and an outlet, I'm here at...can you guess? Yep, the much dreaded Starbucks....argh!

Anyway, after chewing over the last blog topic, I decided to do something a little radical and embrace hunger today. No, I'm not fasting...I haven't reached that level yet...but I began to go longer with little amounts of food. After breakfast of mixed fresh berries, Mozzarella cheese, and a cup of hot water, I felt the usual panic begin to arise within me that I didn't eat enough but I am quite proud to announce that I rode the panic wave until it passed. Yes, it passed! I couldn't believe it! So I realized right then and there that the fear I experience is simply an illusion, and when ignored it slinks away like the confronted bully that it is.

I went 5 hours without food after breakfast (just a herbal tea) and I feel amazingly proud of myself. Since Starbucks doesn't carry gluten-free food, I ordered a 28g bag of plain popcorn and a banana. THIS IS LUNCH. As much as I think I need the package of almonds that I eyed at the counter a short while ago I will not buy it. I am panicking...oh yes am I ever panicking right now as I write this but I am choosing to ride the waves of fear crashing around in my head and I know it will go away.

Update: 2.5 hours after writing the above paragraph, the fear is gone and I have not eaten!

Day 1 - Dear Blog,

I started meds today. I am not sure how I am supposed to feel but I feel hopeful. Perhaps I will begin to gain some energy. I REALLY need this.

I worked last night and decided to just drink water and herbal tea during my entire shift. I won't lie, it was hard but I don't want to be afraid if I don't eat, which is what I noticed happening within the past few months. I had gone with limited food before during those crazy years but now I find myself afraid to not have or not eat food. I literally panic if I at least don't have food with me in my bag. I obsess with food- I need it, I crave it, I think about it all the time. If I don't have food I panic until I can find away to obtain it. I  know I need professional counselling but since I can't afford it I am doing this blogging at therapy.

There is usually some food hanging around at work, thank goodness, and I mentioned to my co-worker the other night that there are a few sandwiches in the fridge if she is hungry and she said something that I just can't seem to shake. Quite casually, without even looking up from her desk she said, "Oh thanks, I had a meal today already and I just might decide to eat again." Now, this is VERY foreign to me right now. "...may decide to eat again today"??? Are you kidding me? I NEED to eat, it's not an option! The old Chantal would have totally understood what she meant by that "anorexic" sounding statement but most certainly not now. I remember the days when I considered a high fiber granola bar OR a banana and small cup of yogurt a full meal but now I use those things as pacifying snacks.

I chuckled off her statement as if it was as natural to me as breathing but inside my heart was racing and I was beginning to panic at the thought of not eating. At the same time I suddenly felt slightly envious of her flat stomach, lean legs and firm back. I needed to stay in the game I told myself as I picked up my pink water bottle and steadily sipped like a sulking toddler.

Fat Girl Gets Down & Drops 20

Get Down & Drop 20



"Keep moving, keep moving, one foot in front of the other, keep moving..." That was the commanding voice in my head that repeated itself as I marched like a soldier down the sidewalks of my neighbourhood and decided that THIS IS IT I have to make this happen. I have to lose weight. Not for them. Not for that guy. Not for those girls. For ME. I deserve this. I need to feel better and I deserve to see the change. I need to put my heart and soul into this and just draw deep inside where I know the real me still exists. This one is just for ME. Just this once it's just for me.

The History:
I’ve come to realize in this past year after gaining 41lbs that I am a fat girl, a true fat girl not a figment of some one's deranged perception of a fat girl but a real, in your face Chubalub. Now I know that 41lbs is nothing compared to say 100lbs and not everyone would agree that I'm a fat girl just by looking at me but I know what I was and how far I have fallen and this is a healing process for me.

For 3 years prior I was controlled and emotionally abused by my ex-boyfriend - an extreme fitness buff/body builder turned anorexic. I am 5'.5" and then weighed 115lb. I was a dancer and very fit but I was told everyday that I was ugly and fat. I lived at the gym and ate and drank what HE demanded and I did it to be accepted - plain and simple. He daily dictated via phone or email EVERYTHING...what and how much I ate (1 large meal a day , 2 snacks) and drank (water with lemon and lime only - measurements of lemon and lime was also dictated), and my workout routine to the last detail. I lived in constant fear of being hungry in his presence because I wouldn't be allowed to eat and so I simply wouldn't eat. Every calorie was accounted for and since I didn't have a cell phone I walked around with a scrap piece of paper in my purse with a running tab of every single calorie that passed between my lips or his list of what he said I could have for the day with check marks to prove it and I had to show it to him so he could account for my "progress".  Heaven forbid if I happened to skip a workout or if I "didn't do it right", he would flip out, screaming at me about how dumb and difficult can I be not to get it right. So, I would depressingly push myself harder, often times spending another hour working-out when I came home from the gym just so I can say that I did it right-  just to be told that I was finally good enough and beautiful. But it never came. At the day's end progress report I would pour over my notes of excatly I did and ate and drank that day just to hear that I screwed it up somehow and that I'm lying because I must have done something that I shouldn't have becuase I don't look any better. Every time we saw each other, he would greet me with his hands out to prevent me from coming closer and begin to, what he called the "check out", which meant scrutinizing me from head to toe. If my eyebrow, yes my eyebrow was not tweezed the way HE liked it I would get a tongue lashing. He once told me after a "check out" session that the only acceptable part of me are my lips. I was so disgusting to him that he would fake vomit if I ever kissed him. Thanks to God, and my family and friends I finally ended the relationship (a whole other story how that came about).
I was emotionally, physically and mentally a wreck. I was on anti-depressants and tranquilizers and extremely surprised that I was not skin and bones. When I finally learned to exhale from the torment, I ballooned up to 156lb. I became and stayed, in many ways, what I was labelled for so many years...fat. I became a true fat girl because I needed to breathe and eat and rest as much as I wanted to and finally be OKAY with it. What I needed so desperately was for someone to tell me that I was worthy, and beautiful...fat and all. I needed to heal and if that meant stuffing myself silly and loving it, then so be it. But now I am not happy with who I have become. I went the extreme, swung to the other side of the pendulum and I need help.

The Conditions:
I was also recently diagnosed with IBS for which I'm on a gluten-free, low dairy diet. I also was diagnosed with Multi-nodular Goiter. I have seven lumps, varying in size in my neck that plays games with my metabolic levels leaving me terribly exhausted and miserable all the time; so that doesn't help my situation. I start medication tomorrow so we will see how it goes.

The Support
I have met my soul mate, a wonderful extraordinary man who recently became my fiance and thanks to his unconditional love for me and my fat, his constant words of encouragement, affection and praise, I am slowly realizing now that my soul, as holey as it is right now, possesses every ability to get where I want to go and I have no reason to wait to live and finally be comfortable with me.

The Goal:
I have a goal to drop 20lbs by 31st of August, just in time for my Bridal shower that my Aunt is throwing me. I will journal my ups and downs, my accomplishments and my failures, my fears and self-discoveries, my weight loss tips and recipes. SO....the weight loss journey begins one foot in front of the other.

Way More Than Matzo

 Hello everyone! I'm a bit late in posting this year's passover recipes and pictures for which I do apologize. It has been a crazy time for me but I will be sure to keep in touch. This year I decided to develop a kosher Passover meatball recipe with cranberries. I tend to frequent Ikea and they have an amazing meatball dinner in their cafeteria. I decided to use it as the inspiration for my Passover meatball recipe.

To make the recipe Passover friendly required some tweaking. I replaced the breadcrumbs in the meatballs with matzo meal, and made a few other minor tweaks such as adding thyme.

Presto! Passover savoury Meatballs. You’re going to love this one.

There seem to be dozens of variations on the meatball theme out there. Different ingredients are used to capture the perfect flavour...the possibilities are endless. These meatballs can be served as an appetizer with toothpicks, as a side dish, or even as an entree choice. I served mine with mashed potatoes as a complete Passover entree. This is a fabulous dish; you and your Seder guests will kvell…promise!

  Sweet Cranberry Meatballs

• 3/4 cup ketchup 1/2 cup cider vinegar
• 1 lrg onion, finely chopped
• 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 2 tbsp tomato paste
• 2 tsp dried thyme
• 1 tbsp onion powder
• 3/4 tsp salt, divided
• 3/4 tsp garlic powder, divided
• 1 lb. kosher lean ground beef
• 1 egg, beaten
• 3-4 tbsp matzo meal
• 2 tsp smokey paprika
• 1/4 tsp black pepper
• Kosher gravy mix
• Cranberry sauce

In a large mixing bowl, combine all ingredients for the meatballs. Mix together using your fingers and form small meatballs, about two inches in diameter.

Heat a nonstick skillet over medium heat and add two tablespoons olive oil to the pan. Fry meatballs, turning occasionally so that all sides are browned. Remove meatballs to paper towel lined plate.

Drain all of the fat. Prepare kosher gravy mix, add to skillet and return meatballs to simmer in the gravy for 10 min. Serve with cranberry sauce and the gravy with mashed potatoes as an entree. This recipe makes about eighteen small meatballs.

AWord About Charoset

The most common mistake with charoset is the attempt to make it look like something that it’s not. The best charoset looks like mortar—which is what its supposed to represent- with a smoothness that can only come from using a food processor. Since it’s difficult to make a food that is supposed to resemble mortar look appetizing, focus on the flavour. Charoset is one of the only good excuses for using the scrumptiously sweet Mogen David wine, my absolute favourite.

Everyone has their own twist on charoset. Some people cook it, others finely chop all the ingredients. But Passover is about simple foods—so the simpler the better.

1 cup walnuts
2 large Fuji apples, peeled, cored, and cut into small chunks
1 tbsp matzo meal
2 tbsp honey
2 tablespoons sweet red wine, like Mogen David
2 tsp lemon juice
1 tsp ground cinnamon

 Put the walnuts in a large skillet over medium heat and cook, stirring often, until fragrant and lightly browned, about 5 minutes.

Combine the nuts with the apples, matzo meal, wine, honey, lemon juice and cinnamon in a food processor and process until smooth enough to spread with a knife, then serve. (Store leftover charoset in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to 2 days.)

Night Bright Hanukkah

Jewish people celebrate Hanukkah, a holiday honoring the Maccabees' victory over King Antiochus, who forbid Jews to practice their religion. For eight nights, Hanukkah is celebrated with prayer, the lighting of the menorah, and food. A menorah has nine candles, a candle for every night, plus a helper candle. Children (and adults) play games, sing songs, and exchange gifts.

 

Ironically, my first recollection of Hanukkah was in elementary school. I remember my teacher herded us into the staff kitchen one cold afternoon. We piled around her as she donned an apron and said, "Today we're going to make latkes for Hanukkah." She began telling us the story of the miracle of oil as she grated the potatoes and onions. She squeezed out the liquid and mixed in the matza meal, and eggs. We strained our necks in delight as she spooned the yummy mixture in to the pan of hot oil. 

Finally a steaming pile of golden goodness were ready for us to sample. We each got a plate and a choice of sour cream or apple sauce (or both) for our latke topping. Smiles and cheers all around as we lined up for more. Thank you Mrs. Honikman, I'll never forget your delicious latkes and the story of Hanukkah.  

 

Hot & Crispy Hanukkah Potato Latkes 

2 cups peeled and shredded potatoes

1 small onion, grated

3 eggs, beaten

2 tablespoons all-purpose flour or matza meal

1 1/2 teaspoons salt and 1/2 tsp freshly ground black pepper

1/4 cup vegetable oil and 1/4 cup melted butter for frying

Place the potatoes in a cheesecloth and wring, extracting as much moisture as possible.
In a medium bowl stir the potatoes, onion, eggs, flour/matzo meal and salt and pepper together.
In a large heavy-bottomed skillet over medium-high heat, heat the oil until hot. Place large spoonfuls of the potato mixture into the hot oil/butter, pressing down on them to form 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick patties. Brown on one side, turn and brown on the other. Let drain on paper towels. Serve hot with sour cream and/or apple sauce.

Sugar Cookies

• 2 sticks unsalted butter, room temp
• 1 C sugar
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1 egg plus 1 yolk
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 2 1/2 C. flour

With mixer, cream butter, sugar and salt. Add yolk then whole egg and vanilla. Add flour until fully mixed in. Divide dough in half and wrap in plastic wrap. Refrigerate for 1 hour or up to 2 days.

Preheat oven to 375°F

Remove dough from fridge and allow to warm up about 10-15 minutes and roll to 1/4 in thick. Cut dough into desired shapes. Bake on a lined or greased cookie sheet for 8-10 minutes.

Cool to room temperature and store in an airtight container.

SHANA TOVA!

Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New year, is one of the holiest days of the Jewish year. It is a time of prayer, repentance and reflection and like most holidays, food plays a major role in its celebration. Apples are dipped in honey for a sweet year, the challah bread is baked round to symbolize continuity and completion. Foods like pomegranates, gefelte fish, beets and pomegranates are also used as sweet additions to the holiday table.
Some of our best and most delicious dishes are saved for holiday celebrations, either passed down through generations or modern updates on classic favorites.  I particularly enjoyed helping Mitch's crazy funny aunt chop vegetables for her seder. We laughed and shared stories of the good ol days and then feasted on the sweetness our time spent togeher around her table the next night with the whole family.

This year, my family gathered with great friends. I cooked and cooked, loving every minute I spent in the kitchen preparing for the great feast. Here a few snap shots of our delicious seder at my house.

Menu

~
Apples & Honey

Challah

Kosher Pickles & Roasted Sweet Red Peppers
Mazto Ball Soup

Gefelte Fish & Beet Horseradish

Beet & Pomegranate Salad

Brisket & Mashed Potatoes

Honey Ginger Cake

Fruit Platter of dark chocolate dipped strawberries & frozen grapes

No Bake Chocolate Peanut Butter Coconut Drops 

Kosher Wine & Tea

• 2 tablespoons chili powder
• 2 tablespoons salt
• 1 tablespoon garlic powder
• 1 tablespoon onion powder
• 1 tablespoon ground black pepper
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 2 teaspoons dry mustard
• 1 bay leaf, crushed
• 4 pounds beef brisket, trimmed
• 1 1/2 cups beef stock

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Make a dry rub by combining chili powder, salt, garlic and onion powders, black pepper, sugar, dry mustard, and bay leaf. Season the raw brisket on both sides with the rub. Place in a roasting pan and roast, uncovered, for 1 hour.

Add beef stock and enough water to yield about 1/2 inch of liquid in the roasting pan. Lower oven to 300 degrees F, cover pan tightly and continue cooking for 3 hours, or until fork-tender.

Trim the fat and slice meat thinly across the grain. Top with juice from the pan.

To Beet or Not to Beet?

I love the thought of mixing beets and pomegranates in one dish. Almost identical in colour, their textures and flavours complement each other deliciously. Pomegranates are tangy and crunchy while beets are smooth and sweet. Plus, you have two symbolic Rosh Hashana fruits in one yummy dish.

Pomegranate & Beet Salad

• 3-4 medium beetroots
• 2 tablespoons pomegranate syrup
• 2-3 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
• 2-3 dried chili peppers, crushed (optional)
• Coarse sea salt
• 1/4 cup delicate olive oil
• 1/2 cup fresh coriander leaves
• 1 cup pomegranate seeds

Boil the beetroots in water until tender. Cool, peel and cut into very small dice.
Mix with the pomegranate syrup, lemon juice, peppers and coarse sea salt. Set aside for about 15 minutes.
Mix the salad with the coriander leaves and pomegranate seeds, pour the olive oil on top and serve.

Honey Cake For My Honey

1 cup hot brewed coffee
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup honey
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup vegetable or canola oil
3 eggs
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1 large apple, cored and grated

Preheat the oven to 350ºF. Grease a 9-by-13-inch baking pan. In a small bowl, combine coffee and baking soda. Set aside.
In a large bowl, beat honey, sugar, and oil until well blended. Beat in eggs, one at a time, until mixture looks homogenized. In a medium bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, cinnamon, ginger, and nutmeg.
Beat flour mixture into honey mixture alternately with coffee mixture until well combined. Stir in apple.
Pour batter into prepared pan. Bake until golden brown, about 45 minutes. Cool and cut into squares